The Humour of my youth

Here is an example of what passed off as humour when I was young. I remember a letter like this, gestetner copied, doing the rounds in our school. Oh how we laughed!

Haven't times changed.

Letter from an Irish Woman to her son

Dear son,

You’ve now been away for three weeks, and we thought you were still in the lavatory. Just a few lines to let you know I'm still alive. I am writing this letter slowly because I know you can't read fast. You won't know the house when you get home - we have moved. There is a washing machine at the new house, but it has not been working well. Last week I put in 14 shirts, pulled the chain to start it, and haven't seen the shirts since. About your father - he has a lovely new job. He has 500 men under him - he cuts the grass at the graveyard.

Since you've left home, your father has become a sex maniac and tries to make love to me every opportunity he gets. Please excuse the wobbly writing. Your sister Mary had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out if it is a boy or a girl, so I don't know if you are an uncle or an aunt. Your uncle Patrick drowned in a vat of whiskey. Some of his workmates tried to save him but he fought them off bravely. They cremated him and it took three weeks to put out the fire. Your Aunt Lily has had her teeth out and a new kitchen sink put in. I went to the doctors on Thursday and your father went with me. The doctor put a small glass tube in my mouth and told me not to talk for ten minutes. Your father offered to buy it from him.

Your grandmother who has been bedridden for 35 years took a phial of Epsom Salts yesterday. She came down the stairs for the first time today. The funeral was at two o'clock. The insurance man called this morning and said "If the last installment on your other granny's funeral isn't paid, up she comes. Your father ate five pounds of potatoes all to himself. He managed it because the potatoes were only small ones. Your Uncle Joe drank a bottle of varnish yesterday and had a horrible death, but a lovely finish. Your Uncle Paddy, who has been on Andrews Liver Salts for 37 years, died a fortnight ago. Yesterday we had to go up to the cemetery and beat his liver to death with a stick

The body of a woman believed to have been murdered 600 years ago was discovered here today in the Donegal hills by archaeologists. The local Royal Ulster Constabulary are looking for a 642-year old man to help with their enquiries. Your brother Sammy, who has two wooden legs, was fire watching last night when the building went on fire. The brigade came out and saved the building, but Sammy was burned to the ground. The insurance company wouldn't pay out as they said he hadn't a leg to stand on.



Your loving mother

P.S. I was going to send you ten pounds but I have already sealed the envelope.